ANXIOUSLY ATTACHED
I took the “Attachment Style Quiz,” and here are my results: anxious/preoccupied. Based on the Attachment Project, this is one of the three insecure forms of attachment — anxious, avoidant, and disorganized. The anxious/preoccupied style is characterized by feelings of low self-esteem and low self-worth while also holding others in high regard. People with this attachment style actively seek intimacy, security, and deep bonds with others, but due to their early experiences, struggle to trust their partners and loved ones. For these reasons, someone with an anxious/preoccupied attachment style can act clingy, suspicious, and hypervigilant toward other people. Unfortunately, although people with this attachment style tend to be overly dependent on their relationships, their actions often force others away reinforcing their feelings of low worth.
HOW DOES THE ANXIOUS/PREOCCUPIED ATTACHMENT STYLE DEVELOP:
The anxious/preoccupied attachment style, referred to as ambivalent in children, typically develops during the formative period in a child’s life––the first 18 months––as a response to their relationship with their primary caregiver. It is believed that this attachment style forms from the child’s perception of how their caregiver responded to their needs. The child perceives that their caregiver is neglectful or is inconsistent with meeting their needs. If a caregiver is misattuned to their child and often misreads their cues, the child responds by thinking, “They’re not going to take care of my needs, so I need to try harder. If I persist, the other person will understand what I want, and they will take care of me.”
I don’t remember when I was 18 months old, but I know for sure that my parents were stressed out and overwhelmed and probably emotionally unavailable, not by choice. They were busy trying to support a big family in an impoverished country. My parents came to the USA like most people do seeking an opportunity to provide a better life for their children. They left my siblings and I with an abusive grandmother who did not provide emotional security. My parents meant well and ultimately, I am forever grateful and admire them for their courage and perseverance. I wouldn’t be where I am if it wasn’t for their sacrifice. However, I believe that no child should be separated from their parents.
During a time when the connection between a parent and child serves as the foundation for future relationships, the disruption of that connection can create an attachment trauma disorder. I am a perfect candidate for this disorder.
I AM AN ADULT, NOW WHAT?
In mid-adulthood, there are several attachments that are important to a person. If a person has found a life mate, then this may be their primary attachment. This primary relationship is fundamental to feeling connected and valued. If this relationship is a secure attachment built on trust and intimacy, then the person will feel that they have someone to problem-solve with to tackle life challenges. This relationship may provide meaning and connectedness that is important to being able to pursue other life goals in their career or other ventures. They have a safe and secure home base to turn to, a cheerleader in their corner, and a partner who loves and respects them.
There are a variety of tools and techniques one can utilize to address this style as well as the other styles, including taking the attachment quiz. The Attachment Project website also provides a workbook directed to your style. I purchased the workbook. I believe that when I get better, my clients get better. Growing and developing as a therapist and as a person never ends. Working on unaddressed topics helps me help you.
Here are some great resources you can explore.
Bowlby, J. (1969) Attachment and Loss (Vol. 1) New York, NY Basic Books.